You wouldn’t think the lowly comma would be such a pain in the ass to deal with, but it’s the bane of many a writer’s existence. The problem stems from one of the very definitions of what a comma is. Notably, we tend to think of commas as representative of a pause in speaking. This is perfectly understandable given common definitions of commas. If you Google up (don’t get me started on verbing nouns) “what is a comma” the mighty search engine of the gods will spit back this:
“a punctuation mark (,) indicating a pause between parts of a sentence. It is also used to separate items in a list and to mark the place of thousands in a large numeral.”
If you get yourself hung up on the pause part it makes perfect sense to use a comma as a place mark for a position where you’d stop and breathe if you were reading the sentence out loud.
The problem is, that’s not what commas are used for. Sure, it’s a pause, but not a speaking kind of pause. Commas are used to break sentences into constituent parts not indicate how you’re supposed to speak them out loud. Everyone has different speech patterns (you can trust me on this, I have an MA in Speech Communication) and if you write to be spoken you’re going to cause yourself problems. Especially, if, you’re, using, commas, for, Shatner-speak. Ellipses (…) would work … better … for that … purpose. Spock.
Let’s start with a few myths about comma usage.
- Long sentences need a comma
- You should use a comma whenever you pause
- Commas are inherently impossible to understand
We’ve already nailed number two (heh, heh); that’s not what commas are intended for. That leaves one and three to deal with. Both are common misconceptions and you need to put them out of your mind. Commas, like all punctuation, have a purpose and that is not to segment long sentences into smaller chunks. If you feel your sentence is too long and absolutely must have a comma then your sentence is probably too long and should become multiple sentences. A comma is not a period.
Now, as for number 3, that’s just your fear speaking. You need to take your fear out back and kick the hell out of it. Commas aren’t rocket surgery. As soon as you wrap your head around number 2 most of your comma problems will disappear.
Here’s a few simple tips on using commas in writing. Note: this is fiction writing, not academic writing. Academic writing has its own set of rules that are guaranteed to ensure the underlying message of a work is completely impenetrable. At least that’s what I was shooting for when I wrote my thesis on argumentation structure and theory in collegiate Parliamentary debate..
Commas are supposed to fulfill any of the following possible uses.
- Intro bits
- Describer Lists
We’ll take a brief look at each of the above and then explain there are plenty of times when you can do pretty much whatever you want to do.
Intro bits are those sentence fragments that we use to set up a sentence. They don’t technically have to be there, but sometimes they can add some pizzazz to a sentence. I use intro bits pretty frequently in writing; probably far too often. In fact, if you dig around you’ll find a few examples earlier on in this post. Including the sentence you just read.
Intro bits are just that: introductory pieces of information at the beginning of a sentence.
In fact, Sriracha can be used on anything to make it taste better.
In fact is the intro bit, it can be used to change the tone of the sentence or provide additional information.
For most of his early life, Godzilla wondered what it would be like to eat Sriracha eggs.
FANBOYS is an acronym for for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so. These are sentence joiners that require a comma in front of them. Think of them as glue that holds a pair of sentences together. They’re kind of like semi-colons, but nowhere near as pretentious.
Godzilla enjoyed his Sriracha eggs, but he did not feel the sauce added anything to his waffles.
“Godzilla enjoyed his Sriracha eggs” is a complete thought, so is “he did not feel the sauce added anything to his waffles”. To make a compound complete thought, we use a fanboy and join the two sentences with a comma. Other types of joiners like however, moreover, and therefore are not fanboys. In fact, they’re really not joiners at all; they’re the kids getting stoned under the bleachers and listening to The Cure. However, moreover, and therefore require either distinct sentences or semi-colons. However, that does not mean you shouldn’t use them. Just remember they’re not FANBOYS and you’ll probably be okay.
Lists are the most common place we tend to use commas. A list could be any grouping of things in a sentence.
Godzilla enjoyed Sriracha, Guatemalan Insanity Peppers, and extra brown sugar in his maple syrup.
Lists are easy. There is one tiny bit of a problem, though. That’s our good buddy the Oxford Comma. The Oxford Comma is that last comma right before the ‘and’ in the above sentence. It’s largely considered stylistic, but I’ve found I tend to use it. Without the Oxford Comma you can wind up with some strange interpretations.
Godzilla enjoyed hanging out with Cthulhu, a pothead and a cynic.
In this case, Cthulhu may be a pothead and a cynic, but the intended phrase was:
Godzilla enjoyed hanging out with Cthulhu, a pothead, and a cynic.
Moreover, when you’re iterating compound lists, the Oxford Comma can make things easier to understand.
Cthulhu offered options like pain and agony, seething and indifference, and wry observations about airline food.
Without the Oxford Comma the sentence structure would look odd.
Cthulhu offered options likes pain and agony, seething and indifference and wry observations about airline food.
Technically the Oxford Comma is optional, but I find it useful. It’s also possible to rewrite the sentence to avoid the need for an Oxford Comma, but I’ll leave that to the heathens.
Describer Lists are generally the easiest place to use. Describer lists contain groups of modifiers.
Godzilla’s rough, scaly skin was a huge turn on for her.
In this case, Godzilla’s skin is both rough and scaly (and a huge turn on). Describer lists work along the same lines as regular lists, but you don’t add the extra “and” before the final element of the list.
Interrupters are specialized sub-sentences that add extended information to a sentence that does not pertain to the actual subject and object of the sentence.
Godzilla, coming from a nuclear apocalypse point-of-view, never could stomach eating his eggs without Sriracha.
You could completely omit “coming from a nuclear apocalypse point-of-view” and the sentence still makes sense, so it’s an interrupter. Wrap that sucker in commas and tell us more about Godzilla’s illicit love affair with Sriracha. Was it hot? Was it spicy? The world demands information on giant lizard love lives!
There is one final place where commas are necessary: separators in dialog. Or dialogue. Whichever you prefer, really. The general rule of using commas in dialog is they replace the end of a spoken statement’s period.
“I think Godzilla is dreamy,” she said.
If the dialog asked a question, you don’t use a comma. Likewise, commas don’t replace exclamation points.
“How can you not be totally turned on by Godzilla?” she asked.
“Take me now, you scaly beast!” she screamed.
Now, like all rules, there are times when your writing will demand you tell the comma gods to go piss up a rope, but those times should be few and far between. Also, be ready for the handful of grammar Nazis out there who will post reviews that your work is essentially unreadable because there was – gasp! – a comma splice somewhere. Nod, smile, and move on with your life. Like most punctuation, commas should fade into the background; if you start noticing them it’s probably time to reevaluate whether all of them need to be there.
Of course, this being English, there are other rules out there (even rules that overwrite the previous rules), but this should get you started on your long path to becoming a grammar nerd.
Here are a couple more places to go for more information on comma usage. Now go forth and segment some sentences!