Could It Be…Satan?

Back in the mid 1980s, I was walking in the ass-end of nowhere with a pastor from one of Farmington’s local churches. I had gotten suckered into going on a “retreat” with a buddy’s church group. At the time, I had no idea this meant driving into the desert and drinking Kool-Aid. You can derive your own subtext to that statement.

At the time Farmington was largely run by the Baptists and they ruled it with an iron fist. Most of my friends were involved to some degree or another with one of the churches, so I wound up going on the odd retreat or spending the night at a lock-in, or any number of the other wholesome activities they ran.

Anyway, I was walking with this guy and we were chatting while the rest of the kids were off doing whatever it was they were doing. Now, I’m going to stop you right here: nothing untoward happened, so if you’re looking forward to a juicy rape scene or something, it didn’t happen. He was a nice, if strangely devout guy.

The moon that night was so full you could walk across the mesa and see every speck of dust. So, we just kind of wandered away from the group and talked. In time, he guided the conversation to the church and ongoing war that Satan was waging against the world. He told me a story that’s stuck with me over the years. It seemed some concerned parents had brought their son to his church because they were worried he was falling into Satan’s charms and were hoping this guy’s church could bring him back to the light of the Lord. “This kid,” he told me, “wanted to curry favor with Satan so badly that he sacrificed a rabbit by putting it in a box with a bunch of maggots. The maggots ate the rabbit alive.”

That’s the kind of thing that belongs in a horror story somewhere, so needless to say I was shocked. But the story got better.

He was driving the kid to a church somewhere to drive the Devil far from him when he put some clean Christian rock in the car stereo. The kid, probably used to heavier fare, was apoplectic. Without warning, the tape erupted from the tape deck and flew across the car! The power of Satan had flooded this young man and the Christian music was painful for him to hear.

When you’re sixteen and walking through the desert under a huge full moon with a guy who’s not supposed to lie – ever – stories like that take on an amazing gravitas.

I know what you’re thinking; there’s no way any of this happened. It has to be just another story I made up to sell books or something, but I assure this conversation took place. I can’t vouch for the events in the car or the existence of the kid, but this pastor actually took me aside and told me this story. It ended with a warning about the power of the Devil and an admonition to go his church and be safe.

I never did find out what happened to the kid. I suspect they read the Bible at him until he cracked. Fuck his religious rights; those only count if you’re following the right religion.

In retrospect, with thirty years of experience under my belt, the whole event was nothing more than the usual brainwashing attempts. Get someone separated from the pack, feed him some scary stories, and get a quick and dirty convert.

But at the time, it didn’t seem all that out of place. The whole country was nuts about Satanists. They’d become the new commies now that great Communist empire of the Soviet Union was cracking at the seams we needed someone to be scared of. Someone, somewhere, trotted out the old standby and started blaming everything that went wrong in the world on devil worshipers. It probably wasn’t a difficult thing to pull off. This was, after all the heyday of hair metal and plenty of bands were turning to evil for the shock value.

What? You thought Marilyn Manson was the first person to use shock music? Fuggedaboutit.

Satanists were even the main antagonists in movies.

The threat, back then, was very real and in deeply religious Farmington, New Mexico, we actually had school gatherings about the dangers of Satanism. Our dress codes at school extended to ban shirts that were evil or in any way promoted Satan. Basically, any shirt Iron Maiden ever made.

Nowadays, in the enlightened 21st century, most people have forgotten those time and Satanism has faded into the background noise. The idea of sacrificing animals to the Devil to get favors is pretty much gone, and if you tried to tell the story of a Christian rock tape getting pushed out of a cassette deck people would think you were bonkers.

Except Jack Chick; he’d think you were totally onto something.

All that mania, all the paranoia, and the sheer bonkers madness of the time has stuck with me over the years, even as I over-analyze the meaning of it all. Sure, it was another power grab by the religious right, but it was a fascinating time and it got me wondering what the world would be like if all that craziness was real. If sacrificing a rabbit – in an admittedly gruesome way – would net you the power to forcibly eject Stryper cassettes, what other things could be lurking under the covers?

A few years ago I scrounged up a copy of the Satanic Bible and actually read the damned (get it, double entendre there) thing. It was interesting – a bit over dramatic, but it had some good zingers in it.

Don’t try this at home. It’s impossible to get the smell of brimstone out of your drapes.

The Satanic Bible, 80s hair metal, and the general mania of the time all congealed late last year into a story. Any of you following me on Twitter have probably seen the tweets about Roadside Attractions; that book is a direct response to all of those things I grew up with.

It also got me thinking about the way we tend to blame groups for our problems. No jobs? Must be the Mexicans. Things seem out of place and scary: Liberals. Anything bad happens in the world? Smells like Muslims. I’ve lived through the ever-present threat of Communism, the existential agita of Satanism, and enough made-up threats to know it’s all just another bullshit power-grab by someone or another. Keep people scared and you keep them in line.

Or maybe it’s always been Satan. He is the father of all lies, after all. All I know is, I’ve got a kick-ass book in the works and I learned to avoid blaming The Other for all my problems.

Got any good stories of the 80s? Let’s hear those comments.

5 thoughts on “Could It Be…Satan?

  1. Reblogged this on Indie Lifer and commented:
    Why do they say “get thee behind me, Satan”? My driving instructor always said you can’t control what’s behind you — only what’s in front. How does talk about Satan work up to a discussion on the upcoming release of a book by Eric Lahti? Read the post.

  2. Oh my gosh. I’m a solid, Bible-believing Christian, and people like that pastor—and Jack Chick—are appalling. They do more harm than good because they’re just SO screwed up in their beliefs. I’ve known a lot of those kinds of people and am astounded that they go around telling everyone how much God hates them and then wonder why the same people don’t want to come to church when invited.

    Your Chick tract D&D pic had me cracking up! I recognized it right away. My oldest son had a D&D one given to him, and my second son got a Halloween one (of course it was all about Samhain) when they were in junior high, and first they thought it was hilarious, but then they got irritated that people are ignorant enough not only to believe that garbage, but to spread it around.

    Great post! But I’m sorry you had to endure such a load of ignorant, hateful crap. At my day job, we have dreams of a slapping closet, lol—a place where we tell the chronic complainers to wait for their appointments, but which is really a dark closet where one of us (we take turns, depending on the day) waits to slap the crap out of them, unseen, before shoving them out to meet whoever they’ve come to see. Ahh, the slapping time, she comes . . .

    • It was an interesting experience, I’ll tell you that much. I like to think that pastor woke up one morning and wondered what he’d become. It’s not likely, but it’s a positive thought. I was raised Anglican Catholic (I’ve since fallen from the faith, but I was once even an alter boy). I was on good terms with out priest until I found out he was a raging racist. Interesting times.
      I feel the same way about Chick tracts. On the one hand, how can anyone be so out of touch with reality that he spends all his free time being that angry? On the other hand, some of those are so out of touch, they’re absolutely hilarious.
      I like your idea of a slapping closet. I think that needs to come to fruition. You should market it as the new corporate ‘tough love’ policy. 🙂

      • It’s exhausting to be that angry all the time for sure! I can’t sustain that level of commitment to anything that tires me out that much. I’d be like, “I gotta nap for a minute, but when I wake up, I’m still going to be SO mad at you . . .”

        I’m glad to hear someone else sees the sense in the slapping closet! We’re just afraid we’d all fight to be the first one on duty each day.

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